I finished high school and everyone was asking: "So, what are you going to do?"
I chose Systems Analysis and Development because I liked computers and the internet. Seemed to make sense. Then I switched to Graphic Design - because I liked making things more beautiful and functional. Got a job in the field, changed companies, changed cities, changed positions. Signed a lease, financed a car, got married, built a house, had a kid.
Life moved too fast.
Now, with a baby who won't sleep and 30 knocking on the door, you stop in the middle of the night - that heavy 3 AM silence, holding a bottle - and think: "How did I get here? Was this really what I wanted when I answered that question back in the beginning?"
Always tired, always rushing, always paying bills.
`` The pause moment
For me it happened on some random Tuesday. Remote work, so I spend the day at home. Between meetings, I'm helping my wife with the baby - changing diapers, warming bottles, staying with him so she can rest and eat. I go back to the computer and can't focus. My productivity tanked.
It's not my son's fault. It's that my head is somewhere else.
I looked at the laptop screen, full of tasks, and thought: "Is this going to be it for the next 30 years? Working on things that don't excite me while life passes by?"
It wasn't that I hated my job. But it also wasn't... alive, you know? It was functional. It was on autopilot.
I realized I had built an entire life on top of decisions I made when I didn't even know who I really was.
`` What I'm doing about it
I won't lie and say I flipped a switch and everything changed. I'm still in the middle of the mess. Still wake up tired, still have the same bills, still trying to make more money and give my family a more comfortable life.
But I started asking some uncomfortable questions:
- What do I really like doing?
- When was the last time I got excited about something?
- What do I do just because "I have to"?
At first it seems silly. But when you start answering honestly, things become clear in a scary way.
I started experimenting with small new things. During sleepless nights with the baby, instead of just scrolling through Instagram, I started reading about random subjects, interesting biographies like Ayrton Senna and Nikola Tesla. Learned a bit about things that have nothing to do with my work, just out of curiosity, like day trading.
I went back to writing - like this text here. Something I hadn't done in years.
These aren't radical changes. They're just small deviations from autopilot.
`` What I've discovered so far
That I like writing. That I need more silence than I thought. That some things I thought were important actually aren't. That I'm afraid to change but even more afraid of standing still.
I discovered that you can start redesigning even when you're stuck in a tight routine, with a young child, bills to pay, responsibilities that can't wait.
You don't need an epic change. You just need to start paying real attention.
`` Still in the middle of the road
I don't know where this will lead. I don't have a 5-year plan or a clear roadmap. Still discovering what I want and what I don't want, yeah, with almost 30 years on my back. But look, life is always moving, we're not the same as when we decided what we were going to do when we were 18, 22, or 25. Those choices don't define us forever.
You can choose again. Slowly, with fear, without certainty - but you can.
And maybe that's what it's about. Not about having all the answers, but about starting to ask the right questions.
If you're in this too, know that it's not late. And that you don't need to have everything figured out to start.
You just need to stop, really look, and choose to take the first step - even without knowing exactly where it will take you.